And then the moment after I email my family about my decision I call the recruiter and I'm not qualified. Typical.
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After a great venting of frustrations yesterday (and the past week really) I have done some thinking about my present and my future and I have found great solace in the prospect of enlisting into the military. I honestly can't think of another place that will pay me to be the best and the brightest but there are so many more bonuses to it! I will have a brotherhood/fraternity of peers who are also the best and the brightest, that's certainly not something I've ever been able to claim to have. Even just the fellowship of high school brings much nostalgia to me and so to be able to reclaim something akin and better to that I am very excited. Of course, I'm certain that what I'm thinking about my role in the military now is nothing like how it will turn out to be I am still promised hard work and challenges that will shape me into a person greater than I can on my own. And going in I will have many distinct advantages over the younger recruits. I have studied philosophy to its logical conclusion and so I don't fear death (merely the pains of death). I have suffered more than anyone who knows me can possibly imagine, and for nothing. But all the suffering I shall endure through military duty will have PURPOSE to it. And not just one purpose but many. Fighting to save my brothers and sisters, fighting to bring peace to this Earth, and fighting to forestall and possibly triage the inevitable collapse of civilization into a better age of life for all. Not to mention that this is the only best option I have right now to avoid eviction and absolute bankruptcy. But anyone who knows me knows that I read deeply into the implications and meanings of the things I do and the things that are happening around me. I can say that the prospects of making myself a much stronger and disciplined person, to protect those that I can from the devastations of human greed and war, to align myself with the best and the brightest, and to strategically place myself for fear that our fragile society will enter a time of chaos and anarchy are all definite reasons to enlist into the military. I have suffered much (more mentally than physically but both very much) and I'm now at a time in my life where I finally have a solid base for which to brace myself against the madness of the world. But that still isn't enough, I need a wall to put my back to and PEOPLE I CAN TRUST AND COUNT ON is just a huge bonus. The US will be my wall and the military will supply me as it can with the tools to be the best that I can on the front lines defending it, and myself, from the madness which is all around us, always. And if I die, well then I die for a cause greater than myself which I can believe in. For I might not agree with your politics, your stupid ideas, or your decisions but I still believe that so long as we try to make things better in the best way that we can we will all succeed at this life thing. That is what the military stands for for me. The defense of the right of stupid people to be stupid so long as they are trying to make things better. Yes, I'm willing to die for that.
Yes, I am enlightened and so to say I did something like 24 hours of meditation comes with a certain connotation of truth. But no, I am not highly enlightened so I was not in the wilderness with ants and bugs crawling on me as I was oblivious to all of the material world whilst I pondered the ubiquitous, universal doings of the supreme powers of the Universe. I was laying in bed passing in and out of consciousness, flipping about to get more comfortable, and ignoring the TV whilst I focused my mind on one simple prayer, "God, I CANNOT help myself, it is beyond my power. No longer am I asking for you to show me the way, now I lie here waiting for you to save me. Please God, pay my bills, find me a job, and make everything better."
Twenty four hours was not the maximum or minimum time limit I put on this prayerful meditation. In fact, I put myself into bed saying, "I am not moving myself from this place until God makes it all better." And so in so far as that I can say that I failed, but my heart was generally in the right place. Meaning that my heart was, and is still, in a rage of frustration and failures with the immanent promise of homelessness and the loss of everything, including the presence of my wife. But what could happen is not something I'm dwelling on right now. Right now I'm just bleeding my soul with no direction but down in my mind. I know this will fail to particularly express the true experience I have had with life recently but all I know to do with this post right now is to just try to explain why I am feeling like this. I'll start with the conversation I had with the local NAMI Warm Line I had two days ago because I believe I explained the short view of it all fairly well to Heidi. In fact, if you so choose I would ask you to thank Heidi on my behalf because for a lay person barely getting paid to listen to crazies all day she did a hell of an awesome job. Warm Line number is 417 864 3027. Tell Heidi that Bryan spoke very highly of her abilities. Bryan, the one who was raging over the phone about riding the bike 10 miles to and from work and getting told two days in a row that he didn't have to work that day, the guy who's car shot a piston through the engine and when called by the bank why we didn't make a payment began to accost him that The Bank doesn't take kindly to being told, "I don't know what I can do." and the bank whom didn't know if there was Gap Insurance on the car, and Bryan the guy who then called the insurance just to find out that comprehensive and full coverage insurance doesn't cover a piston getting shot through the engine but if someone stole and striped the car of all parts that would be covered, and then the insurance who also said that the bank would know if we had Gap Insurance on the car or not. That ought to jog Heidi's memory, tell her she was awesome and that to the best of your knowledge that YES all those things are actually true and that Bryan is very, very frustrated right now but Heidi did an outstanding job doing what she could. She is a part of what is making this world a better place. As for me I keep running head first into the organizations and people who are NOT making this world a better place. And every time I try to strategize myself into a position to make the things around me better I am put down with serious prejudice by the derpy fucking managers who really don't give a shit about the people around them and would rather sit on their life sustaining 50000 dollar a year salaries while I am losing my place of residence and going absolutely fucking insane because I ABSOLUTELY REFUSE TO LIVE IN A WORLD LIKE THIS. I'm not saying things have to be perfect either, all I want is for you fuck tards to give me something to work with and then to leave me the fuck alone while I do my job. I mean, what kind of world are we living in when it is the bad attituded fucking customers that I am able to deal with far better than the leadership of my management?!? Hell, I make the worst of the belligerent customers my friends but then it's MY FAULT when I rightly place blame on a broken system that isn't enabling me to do a good job for SOME OTHER PERSON'S customers?! I don't care if you understand or believe me. At this point in my life I am confident enough in my intelligence, my logic, my understanding of systems and people, and my morals and ethics to know that I know what I'm talking about better than 99.9% of the derps I'm forced to deal with. And so here I am with a world of potential and no one to offer it to because the companies I can find and possibly get employed with don't want me and the individuals who are dying to find someone with my intelligence, empathy, hard work ethic, and convictions simply can't find me because I'm a no body with no resources except this shitty blog and my shitty youtube page. A youtube page which I continually try to sell to my wife and my peers and a fantastic outlet for my rage and frustrations because I can clearly outline these things that are happening to me and even provide the EVIDENCE to prove that what I'm saying is true but am repeatedly snubbed and tried to calm because I DON'T FUCKING KNOW WHY! I swear to all of you that when it comes time to give out gratuity for all those who've helped me in my life to get where I am, at the start of a book or something, I'm going to say FUCK YOU TO ALL OF YOU for NOT BELIEVING IN ME, FOR IGNORING MY PLEAS FOR HELP, AND FOR ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES APPEARING TO APPLAUD MY PAIN AND SUFFERING AS THOUGH SO LONG AS IT IS ME IT WON'T HAVE TO BE YOU! See this classic short story, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Ones_Who_Walk_Away_from_Omelas . So my intent in putting God on the spot and laying in bed until God made everything better was well placed but poorly executed. The distractions of humans and society are mutually exclusive from achieving the goal. Every enlightened soul I have heard doing this sort of thing has done so alone in the wilderness. I knew this but I was frustrated to the point of drawing a circle anyway. Besides which, I don't think I'm spiritually or physically prepared to while my life away until God steps in to save it. If you don't know what I mean then don't bother asking, I don't care enough to explain it to you. And if you do know what I mean then good for you. And also good for you that you can make a living without sacrificing your morals or integrity in this Godless, gutless world. |
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