Right now, lately, I've been in a down-swing of activity, motivation, focus. (Activity/Motivation/Focus being a philosophical theory I could expand upon) Right now I need to center myself because not knowing where I am and what to expect of myself or my environment is what is at issue. The chaos is too much and my conscious and subconscious combined can't keep up with it all.
First of all I need to approach my work situation. It is itself very chaotic and presently disappointing at the rate the situation is improving. It has been improving but the pace has slowed almost to a stop and the rest of the employees are feeling it. My next task after this journal entry is going to be to write a sort of essay on the state of the store, what it needs, and how those things can be done. Once my primary source of income stabilizes and I can handle the ridiculous and stupid things that will always be a part of that job I will be able to again focus my attention on the Youtube and side projects I want to work on.
The first and most important of the Youtube projects is the Scientology News Network that Christian and I are working towards. Christian has done a lot of set up and innovation so that we are presently able to start filming and troubleshooting the actual process but there have been a great deal of speed bumps that have dropped us down to a stand still in the development. Mostly my work has caused this but also Randi and I got sick in addition to various other interruptions that were mostly out of our control. So again, once work is straightened out and we three know better what to expect from ourselves and our work we should be able to pick things up and start moving forward again, making a production and hopefully make some money at it. On that note too the additional videos that we are working on should also start back up in development and soonerish we may be able to think about splitting the Youtube channel into a number of spinoffs but I think it'll take us actually making money off of the Scientology News Network first, or some of the other random videos, before that'll become an actual part of the work-at-home process making these videos.
Then, also, there is the whole home life, which for the same period of time as the other stalled projects we have done quite a bit of rearranging and making things nicer in the apartment but there is still quite a bit of work left to be done. Our bedroom for instance is actually much worse than it was because there's even more surplus furniture in there and I can't even get to my clothing bins without stepping all over a bunch of uneven crap. There're cloths that need to be folded, furniture moved, and all sorts of stuff in there. And that's in addition to all the same sorts of work that needs to be done to the kitchen and front room as well. All that weighs heavily on my mind but I've been so bogged down with money making endeavors, overwhelmed really, that when I start thinking about doing something I basically just get too tired and nap before I have to go to work. I need more solid time for my projects and less interruptions during my creative and development processes in order to get back on track and make good progress; get things in the home life to where they need to be so that the whole machine is tuned and running at a minimal efficient manner as well it should.
There's just so much. I also need to do quite a bit more writing to people/family, making business proposals, and seriously writing out my philosophies so that I can make/collate video clips to explicate and test my theories. But since those are neither immediate money making endeavors nor the cleaning chores that will make Randi, Christian, and my lives more livable they are definitely on the back burner. But then again, if I were to intelligently outline and propose these things and post them online or show them to the right people then potentially we may be able to get a great influx of startup capital and/or much better jobs. But one thing that I've learned living life is that in no way can you expect someone to see the value in your work and abilities and then to come to you and work you into their entrepreneurial enterprises. Either those kinds of people don't exist in Springfield or I don't know how to associate myself with those people or they are far fewer in between than I would have thought. But the fact is that you really need to dick slap people with your work and abilities in order to catch their attention AND THEN you have to defend yourself in a maximally confident way with an over abundance of evidence just to prove that you aren't the derpster that they always thought you were just by looking at you and ignoring what you've been doing all along. So ya, proposals and philosophies are on the back burner because they have a less likelihood of producing results of which I am after in the immediate future.
There is one possible exception to this that I frequently reconsider but in-so-far have not had the time or the confidence to try it out. The website Kickstarter could possibly create for us a HUGE influx of money which we can use to live off of and work on our videos and other projects pretty much full time. There are a lot of 'ifs', 'ands', and 'buts' involved with that possibility though and in order for us to really do it right it will take a great deal of time and thought exactly how to present ourselves in order to get that startup cash. It would be an awesome grant and could set us directly in course with the better life that we want to live but in-so-far I haven't had that magic moment where my subconscious says 'that is the way to go, work on that NOW'. And while that's not something I always wait for to do something it usually is a very, very good indicator as to a positive result from a well worked endeavor.
So to summarize for myself. First I work my day job proposals into a good essay so that I can work at Hancock Fabrics more and try to help them to an end game where everyone is happy. Then once I've cleared my conscious and put the ball firmly in the court of the managers of that store who have the powers to make those changes I can move forward with the Youtube and other things that need to be done. In what order those things happen I don't know but I'm hoping that I will be much more collected and happier and so it will make all the more sense to me then when I have the time to do it.
And there is a PS to this journal entry. I got a call from my grandpa last week as I was sick asking if we were planning on making it to the Ryder Christmas. I said no, no means, car, whatnot, and he said something in response to that which has really made me think about things. He said, "you know, we're all behind you...". And while I can't remember exactly what he said I think that paraphrases it well enough. I believe he was saying that if there's anything I need they can help provide it and if we really wanted to make it up to the Ryder Christmas we would find a way. Right now I'm still not feeling well enough to think that travelling that far during the course of a day, two, or however, will be for the greater good of all, but there is something I've thought I can do as a sort of consolation prize and whatnot. I want to make some videos for all of my family with various applicable philosophies for their lives so that they can see better who I am when I am in my element and to hopefully, possibly give them something to think about and even maybe make their lives a little better/easier.
With only three days left my time for making this sort of Christmas present for all in the way that I envision it is highly unlikely. But that doesn't mean I can't do it later. I'm just disappointed in myself that which all my personal pressures and such I am missing everything about my family. People are getting married and having babies; growing older and living their lives. And I care about them in a special way that is at the same time impersonal and deeply loyal. I know that while my family has missed out on being able to help me get over my mental illnesses they have all done everything they could to try to help me and that is very special to me and I want to show them all that I do think of them as my family and love them right; at least in the way that a messed up person such as myself can love (not a mushy love but a highly devoted and honesty bearing love).
So will I won't I work on those videos? I can't say right now, I don't think I have it in me to fulfill a Christmas holiday with what I want to accomplish. But, potentially, after the chaos of the season dies down a little I can work up a little intriguing ordeal for them all to experience and appreciate in their own way. Possibly that will have to suffice. I just wish I had the time and resources to do all the things I want, I think I could make a lot better in the world if I did; starting at home base, expanding to the world at large, and then pulling and pushing from both sides at once until I encompass the whole and all the parts equally regardless of size or magnitude.
:(
Yes, right now work essay, later more, possibly I hope, idk. We're working on it. Together we'll make this world a much better place. :) :D !